It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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