yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
