Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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