i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
