Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
