The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
But break dance skills will only take you so far
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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