It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
All I want is dick and wine.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
