I wish I could teleport
look no pants
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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