oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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