so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
