don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
