The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
