Your mouth is God's brothel.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
You did what with his pubic hair?
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