how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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