mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Randomize
