i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Randomize
