how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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