Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
We are two peas in an std pod
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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