i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
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