someone threw a dead crab at me
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
