I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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