and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
