I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
