So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
