not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
