Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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