I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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