it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
