you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
