just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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