Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
