My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
