billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
