i just sent this text using only my big toe
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
