You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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