before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
