Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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