I accidentally burped into my bong.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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