Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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