fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
