if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
