Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
