she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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