My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
