I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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