I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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