cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
