his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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