Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
we're so committed to being not committed
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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