9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
