worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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