If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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