I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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