his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
