i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
