You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
