she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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